


My book of thoughts

by DaphneD



Category: - - Fandom
Genre: Cuts, Cutting, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, attempted suicides, bipolar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 02:56:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7135646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaphneD/pseuds/DaphneD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So i dont really know what to type here but here it goes: this isnt a book for people to be inspired by, by no means at all. You dont even have to read it, i wrote it for myself and im publishing it on AO3 for myself. Comments are welcome, negative as well. Its not like im not used to them. But yeah please dont report or something. I just, want to keep a track of my state without my parents finding something in my phones notes or something so yeah thats why ive written this. Anyways, bye</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There are some really good days, when i dont feel anything. I feel nothing. Not the bad nothing. The good kind. Where i dont specifically feel happy but i dont feel dead and upset either. And then there are the other majority of the days when ut feels like a thick cholofoam blanket is being shived over my head and im being smothered by it. Sometimes there's ice in my veins that makes me feel cold in this heat and i dont slecifically feel numb i just .. Feel weird. The bad sort of weird. Everything starts to hurt and i think i now start to understand why depressed people dont have thr words to explain this feeling. No onr can. No set of words can ever truly or remotely even begin to descrive this pain. This ache, this cold, this hopelessness, this despondency. Its even worse for people like me who have to go through it all alone. No one to hug you or cuddle or hold your hand. No one to even be in the same room as you. Im dying inside each and every day and someone day there'll be a point when i have nothing left in me left to die. That'll be the greatest day ever. Because hopefully at least then, i'll be able to do and i'll have the courage enough to do what my mind and my heart has been begging me to do all this time.


	2. Part 2?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you never feel this way

My mom just left me after having hit me. I had to get ready to go to lunch with a very old friend of mine. Mum knows her, she likes her even. I had just walked out of my bathroom and into my room. My mom was annoyed at something, i dont know what. She asked me what i was wearing and i told her i was gonna look in the closet and just wear whatever i wanted to. I closed the door shut. I had just turned on the spot that my mom slammed the door open, the skin of my foot peeling cause of the edge of the door. She barged in, grabbing my throat and slamming me into the bed. She called me a bitch and told me to loose the attitude. She yanked on my hair and the hand i put up front to protect myself, she grabbed them both and twisted them and hurt my shoulders. She slammed me into the bed and told me i couldnt go. She walked out of the room as i locked the door after her and i could hear her already calling my dad and feeding him lies. He never takes my side against my mom. He always believes her and never me. My chest literally feels too heavy for my body so i end up on my bed, after having turnt everything in my room off. Its hot where i live, more so in my room but im shivering. Im cold. My entire head throbs and my nose and throat is blocked somehow. Weirdly enough, im fine with this. Im okay with feeling like this. My stomach grumbles cause i havent eaten but i ignore it. I need to loose the fat anyways.


	3. 3

I havent talked to either parents the past 3 days. Other than of course, the occasional yes and no's. Its no use talking to her, she only adds fuel to the constant headache thats been happening. He takes her side, even though he knows what a liar she is and how much she exaggerates stuff to fit her need. I havent had any proper sleep in those 3 days. 3 hours here and 2 hours there. Thank god i dont need all that sleep right? Food a different story. I had some biscuits the first day, a nutella sandwich the second day and today i had popcorn. At least, out of this, maybe i'll loose a couple of inches? Yay.


End file.
